University
18yrs. old. Set free – from home; from all the other shackles of expectations and negative beliefs of others. Especially “You’re not good enough”.
Less than 6 months later, I decide to bring out a Carnival band. A whole band – a small band in truth, but still.. Never even played in a Carnival band before – always a spectator. My father would not allow me to play in a band.
But I loved Carnival.
I designed and made all the costumes. It was challenging and exhausting but I felt so excited.
The following year, I decided to step back a little and instead of my own band, I would produce a Section in somebody else’s band. This time I went to the library and did intensive research on the Japanese Imperial Court. My section was Japanese Court Princesses. Again, I designed and hand painted the costumes (with some help this time😊). They were exquisite. I was so proud!
Had I done anything like this before? Of course not. But I didn’t question my ability for one second.
Then Faith and I agreed to write the script for Maude Fuller’s musical. This had a very successful run.
After that I remember walking home with Rowena – star of the musical and noted singer – and singing note for note with her. Amazing myself with the range of my voice.
By the following year I was ready to extend myself to other pursuits. So together with some other members of the Students Union Committee we had the brilliant idea to craft a monthly nightclub at the Union. It was called the Amber Room. It was gorgeous. The room was set up with décor in shades of amber. There were tables with white tablecloths. Waiters (students) dressed in black and white. Best of all, there were two hostesses. I was one. Dressed in a gold sari borrowed from one of my Indian friends. The entertainment was top class. It included acts like The Wailers – which included a relatively unknown singer, Bob Marley. It raised good money for the Union.
Then there was the University Girls Steelband, which at the time was a big novelty in Jamaica. I don’t have to tell you that not only had I never played pan before but I didn’t even know how to read music. We were invited to several functions. This went on for sometime until the band broke up.
Here’s what caused the breakup.
At the annual football competition, the two rival Men’s Halls of residence tried to outdo each other in making a big splash at the games. There was also a long tradition at the University of playing pranks on other halls. I, with a couple of others from the band, supported Chancellor Hall. All the others (the majority) supported the rival Taylor Hall. The steelband planned to perform at the finals in support of Taylor Hall. The supporters of Chancellor in the band got together to plan how we could prevent this. I organised, in secret, with some of my friends from Chancellor, to break into the steelband room and take away and hide all the pans. This involved borrowing a pickup to take the pans in the dead of night. So when the others came to get the pans to play at the game there were no pans. Well, talk about confusion and frayed tempers! Even though we returned the pans after the match, unfortunately, the band never recovered.
There was really nothing that I thought I couldn’t do once I had set my mind to it.
One fond memory, is dancing ballet in the moonlight with Beverley up in the mountains. I, of course, had never had a formal ballet lesson. But we danced together, matching each other move for move. My heart soared. I was in the Zone.
My fondest memory in terms of stretching myself, though, is of walking up in the Blue Mountains all alone. I would leave campus before dawn and come home after dark – walking down with the setting sun. I had no sense of danger or threat. And I was never in any way threatened. One awesome memory is of meeting a ‘real’ Rastafarian up in the mountains and having a deep philosophical conversation with him.
So what happened to change this fearless, empowered person? Why do I now tell everyone that I can’t sing? And in fact when I try to sing it is mostly off key. Why do I feel that I am definitely not good enough to do any of the things described above?
Look out for the next part, where I will share some thoughts about this and ask for your opinions.